UNC’s Rants: Ohio State Bans Dave Portnoy From The Shoe

You really can’t make this up. Before a single kickoff, Ohio State is already running trick plays — and not on the field. Nope, they went and banned Dave Portnoy from Big Noon Kickoff at The Shoe. Yeah, pizza-review Dave. Michigan’s loudest frat uncle. The man who thinks “one bite” means “six bites and a lecture.”

And honestly? It’s the funniest move of the offseason.

The Soft Wars Begin

Ohio State has been fighting the “soft” allegations for years now. Planting flags? Illegal. Noon kickoffs? Criminal. Now? They’re banning a pizza blogger. Congratulations — you’ve managed to make Michigan Twitter look like prophets.

The Shoe used to be a fortress. Now it’s a Charmin aisle at Walmart.

The Nacho Allegations

Let’s be real: nobody even knows the official reason. So allow me to speculate responsibly:

• He ate all the loaded nachos in the press box. Left boosters gnawing on dry chips like raccoons.
• Ryan Day saw him in the background standing on his tippy toes again and said “enough.”
• Or maybe the ban is just Ohio State’s version of load management: keep him out now so he’s fresh to troll them in November.

The Internet Meltdown

Reddit lit up like Michigan Stadium after a night game:

• “Pizza terrorist banned.”
• “THE Ohio Charmin University.”
• “And nothing of value was lost.”
• “Ban him everywhere.”

When Reddit, Twitter, and random uncles in SEC country are all on the same page? That’s a rare eclipse.

Dave’s Next Play

Here’s the kicker: banning him is literally the best thing you could do for him. He’s probably already outside The Shoe right now, eating a Papa John’s slice out of the box, filming a 47-minute rant titled “Ohio State Softest Program in America.” And it’ll get half a million views before halftime.

This is what he lives for. Dude’s like a troll vampire — every time you try to kill him, he gets stronger.

UNC’s Final Word

Only in college football do you wake up to headlines like this: “Pizza Blogger Banned From Stadium.” Not depth charts, not QB battles. Pizza.

The Buckeyes think they’re ending a distraction. Really? They just gave Dave Portnoy a Heisman moment in August.

Michigan-Ohio State is still months away, but the Soft Wars? They kicked off already. And Portnoy’s up 7–0 before the opening whistle.