🎙️ Unc’s Rants
UNC RANTS: Coaches Who Left Steak for a Shit Sandwich
Some coaches can’t help themselves — they’ve got a good thing going, but the second a “bigger” job waves a check in their face, they’re gone. Problem is, that greener grass usually turns out to be spray-painted turf over a septic tank. From Scott Frost drowning in Busch Lights to Jimbo Fisher cashing $77 million to go .500, these are the all-time legends of leaving steak for a shit sandwich.
Sometimes you’ve got a good thing going, a loyal fanbase, steady wins, maybe even a statue in the works, and then a “bigger” job comes along waving a fatter paycheck and the promise of greener grass. Problem is, half these coaches jumped the fence only to find out the grass was spray-painted turf hiding a septic tank.
We dug through the Reddit peanut gallery and here’s the consensus Pasture Jumpers Hall of Shame, the all-time “grass wasn’t greener” moves in coaching history.
1. Rich Rodriguez – WVU → Michigan
Left a national title contender in Morgantown to bring the spread to Big Blue, where the boosters wanted three yards, a cloud of dust, and no funny business. The only thing Rich Rod spread was L’s across the schedule.
2. Scott Frost – UCF → Nebraska
Came home as the prodigal son, left as the guy who couldn’t win close games and allegedly treated the training table like a taproom.
“The grass could’ve been greener, but he pissed it away on booze.” – Reddit
3. Jimbo Fisher – FSU → Texas A&M
Escaped a rotting FSU O-line and locker room culture for $77 million in Aggieland. Turned it into the most expensive 8-win operation in history.
“A lifeline made out of $77 million.” – Reddit
4. Bret Bielema – Wisconsin → Arkansas
From steamrolling the Big Ten West to running face-first into SEC speed. “Ground and pound” turned into “ground and found in the loss column.”
5. Gary Andersen – Wisconsin → Oregon State
Left Madison for a fixer-upper in Corvallis and decided halfway through the remodel to just quit. No, really.
6. Mike Riley – Oregon State → Nebraska
Nebraska thought they were getting West Coast offense magic. Turns out it was just a magic trick where the wins disappeared.
7. Randy Edsall – UConn → Maryland
From Fiesta Bowl to “Are you still coaching?” in record time.
8. Dan Hawkins – Boise State → Colorado
Went from blue turf parades to Big 12 beatdowns. The only green grass he saw was the lawn outside Folsom Field.
“Hawkins is my sleep paralysis demon.” – Reddit
9. Mike Price – Washington State → Alabama
Accepted the job, hit the strip club, got fired before signing the contract. Only thing he coached was his own exit.
10. Lane Kiffin – Tennessee → USC
Bolted Knoxville in the middle of the night for the hottest seat in college football. Years later, USC dropped him on a tarmac like an unwanted recruit.
11. Willie Taggart – Oregon → FSU
One year in Eugene, cashed out in Tallahassee, and was gone before they finished his nameplate.
12. Mel Tucker – Colorado → Michigan State
Parlayed one senior-heavy good season into a $95M contract, then nuked it all for non-football reasons.
“Colorado’s happier he bolted. It led to Deion.” – Reddit
13. Luke Fickell – Cincinnati → Wisconsin
Could’ve been Big 12 royalty at Cincy. Instead, decided to ditch “Dairy Ball” for the Air Raid in a state that produces linemen, not track stars.
14. Tom O’Brien – Boston College → NC State
Solid at BC, instantly meh at NC State. Quit recruiting near the end like the job came with early retirement.
15. Dennis Franchione – Alabama → Texas A&M
Left Bama before the NCAA hammer dropped, landed in College Station, and left them exactly as he found them, irrelevant.
16. Tom Herman – Houston → Texas
Had Houston cooking, but traded it in for burnt orange politics and booster drama.
17. Charlie Strong – Louisville → Texas
From Big East powerhouse to the coach who got to personally prove “Texas is back” was a lie.
18. Mario Cristobal – Oregon → Miami (TBD)
Could still work out, but so far, “The U” looks more like “The Mid.”
19. Bryan Harsin – Boise State → Auburn
No amount of SEC money was gonna make him fit in. The boosters had his Wikipedia page changed to “former Auburn coach” before the ink dried.
20. Dan Mullen – Mississippi State → Florida
Could’ve been a Starkville lifer. Left for Gainesville, had a hot start, then stopped recruiting like it was optional.
21. Ty Willingham – Stanford → Notre Dame
Started 8-0 at ND, then the wheels came off and so did his career.
22. Steve Spurrier – Florida → NFL
From dominating the SEC to getting worked in Washington by defensive coordinators who didn’t care about “Fun ‘n’ Gun.”
23. Nick Saban – LSU → NFL
Yes, he came back and became the GOAT, but his Miami stint proved you can’t recruit five-stars into a salary cap.
24. Bobby Petrino – Arkansas → “The Motorcycle Incident”
No greener grass here, just asphalt burn and a neck brace.
25. June Jones – Hawaii → SMU
Fans loved him in Honolulu, but even Reddit agrees Hawaii’s admin didn’t give him the soap or facilities he needed.
UNC TAKEAWAY:
The grass might look greener, but nine times out of ten it’s artificial turf hiding a busted septic tank. And if you think you’re the exception, congratulations, you’re already on the next version of this list.
Listen here, I don’t care what the Bengals depth chart looks like right now, the biggest hit this fanbase took in 2025 wasn’t Ja’Marr’s drops in camp, it was Hooters ghosting the Ohio River.
That floating temple of wings and chaos sat on Riverboat Row for decades, fueling up fans before every kickoff. You knew the routine: grab a plate of Daytona-style, chase it with a schooner, talk yourself into the Bengals covering -3, then stumble right onto a Queen City Riverboat and ride across the water like a damn Roman emperor. Life was good.
Now? Poof. Gone. Yanked off the river like an old dock chair. Dismantled in Hebron. Another victim of corporate bankruptcy and whatever clown show is running Hooters into the ground. They didn’t just close restaurants, they nuked traditions.
Let’s talk fallout. Queen City Riverboats didn’t just lose a partner, they lost their whole game day economy. No Hooters paying the tab means no money to run three shuttles. So instead of a fleet, we’ve got one sad boat per Bengals game. Reds fans? Forget it. They shut that ferry down completely. Want to cross the river? Hope you’re a good swimmer, champ.
And prices? Fifteen bucks a head. Used to be ten. Inflation hits harder when your last wing stop before kickoff is now Applebee’s. You can’t tell me Newport wouldn’t rather see packed boats than empty docks, but nope, bankruptcy court’s got the land tied up like it’s Fort Knox.
Fans don’t care about “sub-leasing opportunities” or “municipal red tape.” We care about getting sauced, eating wings, and showing up at Paycor loud enough to rattle helmets.
So yeah, Bengals Nation lost more than a floating restaurant. We lost an artery to the game. We lost the buzz of hundreds of fans storming off a boat and into the jungle. And worst of all, we lost the last real excuse to eat Hooters wings without shame.
Pour one out, Cincy. Hooters is gone. The boats are cut. And if the Bengals don’t win 12 games this year, we might just burn that Purple People Bridge ourselves.
– Broadway UNC
College football gave us a Saturday with fists up, but the headline hit different: Lee Corso went 4-for-4 on his picks and did it with style. The Sunshine Scooter called the board clean, including being the only one to take Florida State over Alabama. That ain’t luck. That’s ball.
The 4-for-4 Ticket
- Florida State 31, Alabama 17
Corso stood alone on FSU. Paid in full. - Tennessee 45, Syracuse 26
Vols took care of business. - LSU 17, Clemson 10
Corso was lone-wolf LSU here too. Right again. - Ohio State 14, Texas 7
Buckeyes in a grinder. Corso had it.
And he wasn’t done stirring the pot. He rolled forward picks for Sunday: Miami (FL) and South Carolina. A clean weekend is on the table.
The Poetry Of It
Users noticed the symmetry. One fan pointed out every school Corso coached at won that day: Indiana, Louisville, Northern Illinois, plus ties to Navy, Maryland, Florida State. Another noted a perfect full-circle bit: his first and last headgear picks were Ohio State. That’s storytelling the algorithm can’t script.
Quick Hit Nuggets
- A longtime stat head chimed in: Corso’s headgear picks hit around 66% over three decades. Laugh if you want, but picking the biggest games on the board and hitting two-thirds is nasty.
- Another user dropped a jewel: When Corso picked USC, they went 17-0 over the years. Trojan talisman energy.
- Folks joked it wasn’t predictions so much as manifestation. When a guy has been Saturday’s heartbeat for decades, you believe he can will a result.
Why This Landed So Hard
- Singular calls matter. Anyone can ride chalk. Corso stood alone on FSU and LSU versus powers. That’s conviction.
- Vibes vs. spreadsheets. Gamblers will tell you models matter. But gut, history, and pageantry still count in this sport. Corso’s craft was understanding the moment, not just the matchup.
- The send-off. With retirement at his back, the board went poetic. Fans from rival camps were openly rooting for the old man’s swan song to hit perfect.
The Fan Soundtrack
- “A poetic send off to a legend.”
- “I’m betting on Corso being more powerful than God this weekend.”
- “Be confident in life like Corso was in FSU over Bama.”
- “He spoke the outcomes into being.”
If He Goes Undefeated
If Miami and South Carolina cash, the final chapter writes itself: Perfect day, perfect weekend, perfect sign-off. Even the cynics are tipping caps. You don’t get many storybook endings in this sport. This one’s sitting on the tee.
UNC’s Final Word
Numbers pay the mortgage, but legends feed the soul. Corso reminded everybody what Saturdays are supposed to feel like: a little wild, a little sentimental, and just unpredictable enough to keep us glued. Four for four with two more on deck? Put the headgear in the rafters.
Corso called ball. College football answered.
You really can’t make this up. Before a single kickoff, Ohio State is already running trick plays — and not on the field. Nope, they went and banned Dave Portnoy from Big Noon Kickoff at The Shoe. Yeah, pizza-review Dave. Michigan’s loudest frat uncle. The man who thinks “one bite” means “six bites and a lecture.”
And honestly? It’s the funniest move of the offseason.
The Soft Wars Begin
Ohio State has been fighting the “soft” allegations for years now. Planting flags? Illegal. Noon kickoffs? Criminal. Now? They’re banning a pizza blogger. Congratulations — you’ve managed to make Michigan Twitter look like prophets.
The Shoe used to be a fortress. Now it’s a Charmin aisle at Walmart.
The Nacho Allegations
Let’s be real: nobody even knows the official reason. So allow me to speculate responsibly:
- He ate all the loaded nachos in the press box. Left boosters gnawing on dry chips like raccoons.
- Ryan Day saw him in the background standing on his tippy toes again and said “enough.”
- Or maybe the ban is just Ohio State’s version of load management: keep him out now so he’s fresh to troll them in November.
The Internet Meltdown
Reddit lit up like Michigan Stadium after a night game:
- “Pizza terrorist banned.”
- “THE Ohio Charmin University.”
- “And nothing of value was lost.”
- “Ban him everywhere.”
When Reddit, Twitter, and random uncles in SEC country are all on the same page? That’s a rare eclipse.
Dave’s Next Play
Here’s the kicker: banning him is literally the best thing you could do for him. He’s probably already outside The Shoe right now, eating a Papa John’s slice out of the box, filming a 47-minute rant titled “Ohio State Softest Program in America.” And it’ll get half a million views before halftime.
This is what he lives for. Dude’s like a troll vampire — every time you try to kill him, he gets stronger.
UNC’s Final Word
Only in college football do you wake up to headlines like this: “Pizza Blogger Banned From Stadium.” Not depth charts, not QB battles. Pizza.
The Buckeyes think they’re ending a distraction. Really? They just gave Dave Portnoy a Heisman moment in August.
Michigan-Ohio State is still months away, but the Soft Wars? They kicked off already. And Portnoy’s up 7–0 before the opening whistle.
The SEC finally sobered up and did it. Starting in 2026, the league is moving to a nine-game conference schedule. After decades of talking tough while playing Mercer in November, the conference presidents voted to actually earn those playoff bids.
Greg Sankey spun it the way only a commissioner can: “commitment to competition, preserving rivalries, blah blah blah.” Translation: ESPN cut a fatter check and the College Football Playoff committee said “enough with Charleston Southern.”
The New Rules of the Game
Here’s the deal:
- No divisions. Just one big standings free-for-all.
- Three annual opponents, so the “real” rivalries get locked in.
- Six rotating matchups so everyone eventually plays everyone.
- Every SEC team will face each other home-and-away in a four-year cycle.
And on top of that? Every team still has to schedule at least one legit Power opponent outside the league — ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, or Notre Dame.
So yes, Florida still has Florida State. Georgia still has Tech. South Carolina still has Clemson. But if you were dreaming of seeing Bama-Ohio State or Georgia-Clemson on the regular? Put that hope in a shoebox and light it on fire.
RIP Cupcake Week
The real funeral here isn’t divisions or scheduling models. It’s Cupcake Saturday. That sacred November weekend when Alabama played Western Carolina, Auburn played Samford, and Georgia let Charleston Southern pay their rent.
Those million-dollar buy games funded small athletic departments, new soccer fields, and maybe an espresso machine in the AD’s office. Now? Mercer’s athletic department is about to fire up a GoFundMe.
Quality Losses Incoming
This move isn’t about “competitive balance.” It’s about playoff math. The SEC needed to make sure a 9–3 Ole Miss still looks sexier than a 10–2 Penn State.
- Georgia loses to LSU? Quality loss. Still in.
- Alabama trips at Neyland? Quality loss. Still #3 on Tuesday night.
- A&M goes 8–4? Quality losses all over the board, baby.
Get ready for “quality loss” to be the new “it just means more.”
History Lesson
The SEC’s been playing eight conference games since 1992. Before that? Seven. Before that? Six. Before that? “Whatever the hell we felt like.” The point is, they’ve been padding the schedule forever.
Now? No more hiding. No more Mercer Week. No more excuses.
Final Word from UNC
So here we are. The SEC finally added a ninth game, not because it was the right thing to do, but because ESPN and the CFP said, “play another one or stop crying.”
Fans will call it “big boy football.” Coaches will call it “a grind.” And Vanderbilt will call it “a war crime.”
This isn’t about tradition. This isn’t about fairness. It’s about TV money, playoff seeding, and one more reason for SEC fans to yell “quality losses” at Big Ten Twitter.
Nine games. No Mercer. No Samford. No Citadel. Just more rivalries, more excuses, and more Ole Miss fans explaining why their 7–5 deserves a playoff spot.
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