🔥 UNC’s Rants – Week Zero Edition

The Offseason’s Over. Y’all Ready to Get Exposed?

Football’s back. Which means two things:

1. Every coach is lying.
2. Half these teams are about to get cooked before September ends.

Let’s talk through it. No filters, no fluff.

🦅 AUBURN: YOU GOT YOUR GUY. NOW WIN SOMETHING.

Jackson Arnold walked in from Oklahoma with SEC film, legs, and scars. You beat Bama with him once. Do it again.

You’ve got Cam Coleman, Eric Singleton, four returning linemen, and both Bama and Georgia in your house. Freeze has no more runway. Go 8–4 minimum or hang up the headset.

🐘 BAMA: DEBOER AIN’T SABAN AND THAT’S OK… UNLESS YOU LOSE TWICE

I don’t care how many former Huskies you brought. 9–4 ain’t the standard.

You lost to Michigan in the bowl game and still had double-digit penalties in Week 12. The QB room feels like the 2019 QB2 list in a Phil Steele magazine.

Make the Playoff or hear from Grandma at church.

🐴 TEXAS: NO ALABAMA, NO LSU, NO EXCUSE

Arch, Wingo, and a top-5 line. You better not stall out in the red zone again or it’s gonna be another year of “back” tweets aging like milk.

If you can’t win the Big 12-SEC-Whatever this year, close the program and give UTSA the budget.

🧱 USC: RILEY GOT RID OF ALEX GRINCH AND STILL LOST TO EVERYONE THAT MATTERED

Defense got better. Offense got worse. Now you’ve got Jayden Maiava playing a Big Ten road schedule?

At Notre Dame, at Nebraska, at Oregon, at Illinois. They won one road game last year. And it was against a roommate.

If this goes 7–5 again, Lincoln’s gonna start “entertaining NFL offers” by November.

🔥 VENABLES: THE CLOCK’S TICKING IN NORMAN

OU’s second-half schedule is a firing squad:

• South Carolina
• Ole Miss
• Bama
• Mizzou
• LSU

Start 5–0 or start packing. John Mateer better be him — not hype.

🐊 FLORIDA: DJ LAGWAY LOOKS READY. IS NAPIER?

You closed 2024 with four straight wins. Cool.

Now keep it moving or sit next to Sam Ocho in the ESPN studio. Because if you mess this up with a 5-star QB who actually stayed in Gainesville, you should lose your headset and your truck keys.

💥 BONUS UNC HATE:

• Fickell – If you lose to Indiana, we’re pulling the plug
• Norvell – You went from undefeated to 2–10. That’s not regression, that’s collapse.
• Belichick – This ain’t Foxborough. You lose to NC State, we’re roasting you every Monday
• Pavia at Vandy – You talk like a QB1. Play like one again. Let’s run it back.

UNC’s Final Word

2025 ain’t about hype. It’s about survival.

You had all offseason to get right. Some of y’all spent it on TikTok edits and “QB competition” lies.

Week 1 is coming. Somebody’s playoff hopes will be dead by Labor Day.
And I’ll be here with a drink and a quote tweet when it happens.

Let the chaos begin.
– UNC