UNC’s Rants: Auburn Declares 9 National Championships

GAWD O MIGHTY… Auburn fans just woke up and found themselves four trophies richer. Forget the QB battle, forget Week 1…they went rummaging through the attic and claimed 1910, 1914, 1958, and 2004 as national titles. Add those to the ones they already had—1913, 1957, 1983, 1993, and 2010 and Auburn’s suddenly walking around with nine total.

The move lines them up with Alabama’s “claim ’em all” strategy, except Bama’s got rings and parades. Auburn? They’ve got banner fabric and a Sharpie.

The Internet’s Roast Session

Reddit lit this one up like Toomer’s Corner on a Saturday night:

• “Seven national titles in one offseason. And this sub doubted Hugh Freeze…”
• “It took Saban 20 years to win seven. Auburn did it in six months.”
• “I. DECLARE. CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!” — Michael Scott energy.
• “SOCON deez nuts.” — yep, someone dropped that.
• “Hang the banners, just like the 2014 Colts.”
• “Waking up and randomly claiming seven natties only to still have half your rival’s total is hysterical.”

Even Auburn fans piled on themselves: “The only way we’re gonna get new ones is to redefine the past, ‘cause we sure as hell ain’t seeing any in the future.”

Unc’s Take

2004? Sure, I’ll ride with ‘em. That team went 13-0 and got robbed by the BCS. But 1910 and 1914? That’s before anybody trusted the forward pass. 1958? LSU’s still shaking their heads. And 1993? They were undefeated on probation. Couldn’t even play on TV.

It’s a classic Auburn move: distract from a quarterback mess and a lukewarm head coach by hanging banners nobody asked for. “History” feels a lot better than “we don’t know who’s starting against Baylor.”

Final Word

Congrats Auburn! You’ve officially pulled off the greatest offseason in college football history. Nine natties in August. Problem is, everybody else sees it for what it is: a PR stunt with a side of little brother energy.

Print the shirts, hang the signs, but remember…you don’t win Saturdays in August.