The Grumors Never Die: Jon Gruden Wants the SEC

Jon Gruden’s back in the headlines, and this time he isn’t drawing up Spider 2 Y Banana for Barstool’s YouTube. He’s making it crystal clear: “I’d die to coach in the SEC. I would f**ing love it.”*

That’s not just a soundbite. That’s lighter fluid dumped on two decades of message board gasoline. The Grumors are back, and Vols Twitter just broke into a dead sprint to Calhoun’s.

Gruden, who hasn’t touched college football since 1991 at Pitt and hasn’t been within 1,000 miles of compliance paperwork since, told Georgia players in his “Inside the FFCA” video that the SEC is the last frontier. “They tell me Texas is in the SEC. They tell me Oklahoma is in the SEC. G**damn.” That’s the kind of line that has half the league laughing and the other half checking if Hugh Freeze’s buyout clause has a weekend special.

Reddit wasted no time clowning. CCR16 just typed one word — “GRUMORS” — and it detonated like a siren in Knoxville. EqualContact reminded everyone that Grumors “nearly killed UT football” when John Currie couldn’t deliver and got himself Fulmer’d. Meanwhile, Glittering_Virus8397 swore he spotted Gruden at Calhoun’s like this is a biblical sighting. Standard Vol offseason procedure.

But Auburn wasn’t going to be left out. chrispy_exe threw in the classic steel chair: “By god, that’s Auburn’s music.” The Plains have already convinced themselves Hugh Freeze is golfing his way into a pink slip, and Intelligent_Fig_4852 sealed it with “Fire Freeze hire Gruden.”

Kentucky? BigRed1906 came charging in with SEC delusion fuel: “Gruden will lead BBN to the promised land.” Translation: a 7–5 season capped off by the Duke’s Mayo Bowl.

Even LSU fans got itchy, with Geaux2020 yelling “Fire up the flight trackers!” like Ed Orgeron just bought a Southwest ticket. Florida fans are sending “u up?” texts, Arkansas fans are lighting candles, and Mississippi State fans are asking the real question: “Anyone know if he likes cowbells?”

Here’s the truth: Jonny boy doesn’t want to “die to coach in the SEC.” He wants to die with a $40 million Auburn buyout in his pocket, a Barstool podcast in his back pocket, and a Hooters two exits away from campus. He’s not here to grind film with some GA in Fayetteville. He’s here for one last cash grab, and the SEC — God bless it — has never met a washed coach it didn’t want to hand a Brinks truck.

Still, you can’t kill the Grumors. Not in Knoxville. Not in Auburn. Not in Gainesville. Every offseason they rise again, louder, dumber, and funnier. And now that Gruden himself has poured gas on the fire, buckle up.

Because if there’s one law in college football, it’s this: The Grumors never die.

Posterized.